How I Survived Bullying
A reflection on my experiences with bullying throughout my life
Please note: this article includes references to mental illness and self-harm, as well as a small amount of cursing.
If you or someone you know is being harmed by bullying, please use the resources below to access help.
It’s 1988, my whānau (family) has just emigrated from north Wales to New Zealand. I find myself in a strange country, which I know nothing about, far away from the comfort of the familiar. When I start school here, my new classmates are quick to make it clear - despite all appearances and assumptions to the contrary - my cultural background, and who I am, is very much ‘other’.
I’m regularly brought to tears by constant mocking of the way I speak and sound and my lack of knowledge of the things that - at that time - are quintessentially ‘Kiwi’.
It’s 1990. My whānau has moved back to north Wales. Despite being back among the people I grew up with, I find myself the target of frequent “teasing”. In the context of young teenagers’ raging hormones and teenage boys’ desire to be the proverbial alpha, I spend my days dreading school and, when there, trying to avoid drawing attention to myself. I get beaten up for no reason other than being crap at football.
It’s still 1990. My whānau has moved back to New Zealand. I have to try and fit in again to a new social group, at the end of Form 2 (Year 8 in new money). I face the same bullying behaviours I did three years earlier for the same reasons.
It’s 1995. I’ve spent my high school years at a boys-only Catholic school, where I did not hold the currency needed to survive. I was a shy, anxious, bespectacled 17 year old who was no good at sport, who wasn’t popular, who didn’t have the confidence to be ‘the funny one’, and who’s talents lay in the arts. These facts made me an easy target for bullies young and old (on one memorable occasion my 4th form (Year 10) maths teacher had me up the front of the class so my peers could ‘roast’ me).
Throughout these years, there was no one promoting messages of being an “everyday upstander”, no adults actively protecting the bullied from day-to-day mocking and ostracisation.
The messages remained consistent: “It’s character building.” “Everyone goes through it at some point.” “It’s just kids being kids.” “Boys will be boys.” “Just ignore them.” “Just laugh it off.”
While, in some instances, I had a very small group of like-minded friends, given most of them fought similar battles, standing up to bullying did not feature as a survival technique.
It’s the early 2000s. I’m about to start my first job as a speech-language therapist. I have learned to mask my anxiety in professional situations, I’ve switched to contact lenses, and I’ve learnt to use humour to seem more ‘acceptable’.
Inside, I have no self-worth, I dread meeting new people and being around groups, I am plagued by self-doubt and self-criticisms, I am suspicious and ungracious of compliments and friendliness. I tell myself “it doesn’t matter what others think”, but I don’t believe it.
Soon, I will be diagnosed with moderate-severe depression and social anxiety disorder and, not long after that, I will try several times to take my own life.
Workplace experience
It’s many years later. I live with chronic depression and anxiety, but have survived some major ‘incidents’ as well as some fuck-ups of my own making. I’ve forged a semi-successful career and have become adept at masking my mental illness.
But, despite all this, I unexpectedly find myself the target of workplace bullying.
I learn that this type of bullying is far more insidious in the office than it is in the playground. It turns out that if someone holds a position of power or authority at work - whether or not they’re a manager or your direct boss - they have access to an arsenal of weapons they can use against you.
Over nine brutal months, after getting a new boss, I’m subjected to a whole host of subtle behaviours - ones that WorkSafe classifies as “indirect bullying”.
My new boss decides to:
isolate me from my colleagues
belittle and undermine my skills, experience, and expertise
marginalise my opinions, ignore my professional views and expertise, and demonstrably undervalue my contributions and skills
keep me ‘out of the loop’ on, exclude me from meetings about, and withhold/conceal information related to projects I was directly involved with
remove responsibilities associated with my role, without any prior discussion or warning
reduce and/or remove opportunities for me to express myself
attack and undermine my needs as a neurodivergent staff member
threaten my job security
ambush me in meetings; and
minimise my concerns in emails with me.
Funnily enough, being on the receiving end of these behaviours cause me an immense amount of harm.
This presents in lots of different ways, including sleep issues (which cause other problems like frequent headaches), making my depression worse (e.g., decreased motivation, withdrawing from others), affecting my relationships at work and home, making my anxiety worse, and just generally made me feel worse about myself and my work.
When all this happened, our understanding of bullying and its effects, the notion of being an ‘upstander’, and workplaces’ legal obligations to keep their staff safe were all concepts that were very much in our social consciousness.
This made little difference.
When I made first informal and, later, formal complaints, my employer made it my problem. I was the one with the “issue” - no one else on the team had a problem. I was in the wrong for attempting to stand up for myself. I was the one who had to undergo a medical assessment to prove I was “fit to work”.
And what happened to the manager engaging in these behaviours? Nothing.
It took four months between my initial complaint and a meeting with HR (because, despite everything that’s advised in the literature, by WorkSafe, and in legislation, in Aotearoa, workplace bullying is - bizarrely - treated as an employment issue).
Aside from the medical assessment, my employer took two steps: (1) shunt me off to EAP; and (2) move me out of my team (despite advice from both WorkSafe and MBIE).
For the record, EAP was marginally helpful - but only as a sounding board, as someone who - after I had explained the situation and my manager’s actions - helped me feel vindicated in my reactions. Ultimately, though, the EAP counsellor gave me one clear message: unless your employer addresses your manager’s behaviour and puts in primary controls to mitigate the risk of further harm, there’s nothing else they (EAP) could do for me.
While I’ve no doubt my manager was affected by being accused of being a bully, they were allowed to continue in their role, without any other consequence.
Obviously, this “response” made things worse; I was, effectively, re-traumatised by the actions of my employer.
In the end, the debacle drags on for another 12 months.
I am never allowed to return to the role I was employed for and never given an opportunity to attempt to reconnect with former colleagues. Although an external investigation was undertaken, its methodology was flawed, and the screeds of written evidence is seemingly ignored.
My employer sided with my manager; all those behaviours, all that harm - according to my manager, my former colleagues, and my employer, none of it was true.
In the end, I was shown the door.
Reflection
Looking back, several things incense me about this situation:
My employer did nothing of any substance - even though there was a legal and ethical imperative for them to do so.
I was personally and professionally ghosted by my colleagues - the people I’d worked with for several years, some of whom I thought were my friends, stopped interacting with me. They wouldn’t take calls, emails, or instant messages. They removed me from social media accounts. (On one occasion, not long after the bullying started, a couple of them did check in on me; when I relayed how much pain I was in, their response was “I’m sorry to hear that”…and then I never heard from them again.)
The harm the situation caused me affected every element of my life and - perhaps worse - affected my wife and children. I was irritable and withdrawn at home, I no longer enjoyed the things that previously gave me joy, and - on my worst days - I couldn’t get out of bed.
Even though I was on the receiving end of these behaviours, I was the one who was punished. The mahi I had put so much effort into was taken from me. I was further isolated from those I’d built relationships with at work. I was instead given tasks far below my skill-level and experience. I was made to feel worthless and ashamed.
Survival
So, how did I get through this? What advice can I give to readers who might be experiencing bullying or even suspect they are being harmed by a manager or colleague’s actions?
For me, stubbornness and conviction were two massive drivers that got me through. While, in the end, I didn’t “win” (very much the opposite), I knew what I was doing was absolutely right. “Why don’t you just drop it?” my wife would ask (many times over the 18 months). My reply would be the same: “Because they are in the wrong. If I don’t stand up for what’s right, they win. They get permission to this to others again and again.”
So, for what it’s worth, here are my tips for surviving workplace bullying:
Gather social support. Unquestionably, this was a massive source of assistance for me. Having people at work (outside my immediate team) and outside work I could talk to, rant and swear with, or have distract me helped me immensely (and this is reflected in the research).
Access professional support. While EAP wasn’t a great help for me, it might be amazing for you. Find a counsellor you can establish a rapport with who can objectively support you.
Get support from a union or employment lawyer. Without my union (shout out to Te Pūkenga Here Tikanga Mahi the Public Service Association), I would have been fucked. Having someone to give me legal and practical advice, encourage me to temper my language (when it needed to be), and act as a sounding board was invaluable. Were they perfect? No, but without them, I’m not sure I would have been able to see the process through.
Know your rights. This is tied to #3 and #5, but knowing what your employer can (and cannot) and should (and should not) do is incredibly empowering. I had the boon of being an experienced Health and Safety Rep, so I understood what my employer should have been doing to support me (spoiler alert: more than EAP, and not moving me out of my team (i.e., causing further harm)!).
Lean on your Health and Safety Rep. In Aotearoa, HSRs are there to support workers. They are your advocate and voice in the workplace, so they should be ensuring your employer is meeting its regulatory and statutory obligations. They can give you advice and support or - in the event they’re not very good and/or competent or experienced (which, inevitably, happens) - point you in the right direction of getting that info yourself.
See if you can defuse the situation early. If the perpetrator has exhibited a small number of offensive behaviours and you feel confident to do so (with support), ask your employer for a sit down hui (meeting) to try and resolve the issues. This won’t always work, but it’s worth a try if you can.
Put your own health, safety, and well-being first. As well as #1-5 above, you need to look after yourself. If the behaviours you’re being exposed to are putting you at risk of harm, do what you need to do to look after yourself. It might be that self-care strategies (e.g., the 5 Ways to Well-being) are enough, or you might need to take some time off. See your doctor/GP - they can give you a medical certificate to support this.
Decide whether you want to fight. As my story shows, reporting bullying incidents and following through on investigation and (if you’re lucky) resolution processes can be a difficult experience. You need to weigh up for yourself whether you have the energy to follow them or whether doing so will cause you further harm. It may be worth talking this through with someone close and/or a counsellor. If you decide to do so, report the incident(s) using whatever processes exist at your workplace.
Other advice/notes
The list above is (hopefully) useful if you are experiencing or have experienced bullying at work. But, I have some other thoughts.
If you’re an employer, take a look at this Spotlight on Workplace Bullying resource; it outlines some key actions you can take to minimise the risk of your staff being exposed and affected by bullying.
If you’re a witness to bullying at work, Umbrella has some useful tips for steps you can take, while the Mental Health Foundation has advice for being an ‘upstander’.
Ultimately, whether you are a manager and/or a witness your actions can be guided by two words: be kind.
Where to get help?
If you’re being harmed or at risk of being harmed by bullying at work (or anywhere else) or you are otherwise concerned about your own or your colleagues’ mental health and well-being, here’s a list of places where you can get help:
Depression Help – 0800 111 757
Free call or text 1737
Healthline – 0800 611 116
Lifeline Aotearoa – Text 4357
Samaritans – 0800 726 666
Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 TAUTOKO (828 865)
What’s up – 0800 942 8787
Youthline – 0800 376 633
Thanks for taking the time to read my story; I hope you have found it of some use.
If nothing else, as I’m here, now, writing and reflecting on these experiences, no matter how bad you might feel now, you can take comfort in remembering that this too, shall pass.
Noho ora mai,
Matt